Santana’s Glee Recaps: “Sexy” (AKA Feeling Gayish? LEZ sing about it!)
Where to begin?
So it turns out that Ms. Pillsbury (the new president of the celibacy club?!) is a virgin who is uncomfortable talking to kids about sex. While I would normally rag on her for having unexplored nethers, I think the true travesty here is that a licensed school “counselor” is unable to talk to kids about the single most confusing topic that can perplex teenagers. Where the hell did she get her degree?
Finn and Mercedes stupidly asked if cucumbers can give you aids, or something like that, which proved to Mr. Shu that the Glee club was in desperate need of some sexual education. Cue a Deus ex Machina in the form of special guest star Holly Holiday (aka Mrs. I-can-sing-too, Chris-Martin. Goddamnit!) Naturally, secondary and tertiary plotlines involving sexual relations popped up in the show, and amazingly, NONE of them contradicted previously established character development! Huzzah!
I think that’s an all-time record, folks.
Puckerman and Lauren Zizes (As in plus-Zizes? Was that a deliberate fat joke, Ryan Murphy?) push their relationship into exciting new dimensions when they decide to make a sex tape. However, Ms. Holiday had to put a monster damper on the experience when she pointed out that their underage natures would result in child pornography. To quote Ms. Holiday….Yikers!
In an attempt to enhance the Warbler’s sex appeal, Blaine and Kurt sang a cover of “Animal” for their sister school, St. Generica of the Plaid Skirt, which finished in a massive Freudian ejaculation of bubble foam.Because if there’s one thing that teen girls really get their rocks off to, it’s BUBBLE FOAM!!
The one Warbler who still couldn’t seem to sex up his image? That’s right…Everyone’s favorite fey falsetto, Kurt.
After watching Kurt fail several times over in a tutorial about “sexyface”, Blaine finally realized that he was incapable of looking alluring because he knows nothing about romantic intimacy beyond Broadway musicals. Shocker.
Blaine talked to Burt and convinced him to sit down with his son and have a heart-to-heart about manlove. Thankfully, the conversation actual centered around self-respect and commitment rather than mechanical matters like, you know…when to pull out.
It was information everyone could take to heart: Whether you are gay, straight, bi, or really really really gay or even Rachel Berry…you still have WORTH.
FULL OF WORTH!!!
Despite the honesty, it was also one of several appropriately-intense-but-also-slightly-awkward moments for anyone watching at home with their parents. What was awkward moment number one?
When we reinterpreted Stevie Nick’s “Landslide” as a Lesbian power anthem.
Yeah! You heard me! You thought we had forgotten about that Alan Ball-esque makeout scene at the beginning of the season, didn’t you America!??? Well, we DIDN’T! After months of hinting and teasing it all finally came to one BIG lady-loving head. Head? Er…Crevice? Furrow? Whatever the gynocentric version of head is…that’s what it blossomed into!
In yet another unexpectedly heartfelt moment, my character experienced a groundbreaking revelation when she realized that her bitchiness was actually due to her repressed homosexual attraction to Brittany. This resulted in an honest discourse about sexual orientation, some major heartbreak, and some pretty decent acting from two characters who were barely slated to make it past the first half of season one. Not too shabby…
Sidenote: While I applaud her for her loyalty to Artie, I still can’t believe she chose Wheelchair McGee over ME!!! Me and my fully functional legs. BOTH of them.
Legs.
Additional side note, Sam/Artie shippers popped major stiffie thanks to this one 30 second moment from the show:
Yeah….I mean, I don’t think it’ll ever happen, but shippers still eat that shit up.
Solid!
Oh yeah, and this picture made me lol for a few hours:
Rachel Berry could never be the red ranger. Not even if she was riding the crimson wave from here to communist China.
And that’s what you missed on…GLEE!
