Me: Did you hear what David Letterman said about Bill Clinton?
Mom: No! What did he say?
Me: That Bill Clinton will be in Charlotte tonight. And he’ll also be at the convention!
Mom: Yeah. He’s supposed to be speaking tonight.
Me: No. No. He said he would BE IN Charlotte tonight. AND he’ll also be at the convention. *Cymbal Crash*
Mom: ….I don’t get it.
Me: Mom, put your mind in the gutter! He’ll be IN CHARLOTTE TONIGHT…AND he’ll also be at the Democratic National Convention.
Me: Jesus! He said that BILL CLINTON
WILL BE IN CHARLOTTE TONIGHT…
(proceeds to hump the air using thrust movements)
Mom: Oh! (covers her face) Stop it!! I get it already!
Me: Sorry! Sorry! I was running out of breadcrumbs for you to follow.
Mom: WHAT? We’re out of breadcrumbs?!!
Me: METAPHORICAL breadcrumbs, mother!
Mom: Oh. Well, I figured that was the case, but I wanted to be certain. I was going to ask your father to stop by the grocery store if we were out of REAL breadcrumbs.
- Man 1: But I'm not gay!
- Man 2: Yeah, but if you WERE. Thor or Loki?
- Man 1: but I'm not!
- Man 2: IRRELEVANT! THOR OR LOKI!
- Man 1: honestly?
- Man 2: THOR OR LOKI!
- Man 1: probably Iron Man.
- Man 2: SERIOUSLY? TONY STARK?
- Man 1: yeah. I'd love to be Robert Downey Jr's bitch. God, that man....
- Man 2: ooh I know what you mean. how would he proceed?
- Man 1: well we'd be having dinner and he'd have his hand on my leg and he'd whisper in my ear and tell me exactly what he was going to do to me.
- Man 2: oh yeah..
- Man 1: and then his hand'd go further to the top of my leg and start grasping my-
- Random Woman: EXCUSE ME THERE ARE CHILDREN ON THIS TRAIN.
- *awkward silence*
- Man 2: ...and you said you werent gay!
Drunk Friend: You, like, you get me. You understand what it is that I’m trying to say before I even say it sometimes. You’re like…you’re like Unsolved Mysteries, but without the UN.
Me: So, just…Solved Mysteries?
Drunk Friend: (uncontrollable giggling)
Me: You know, I’ve always thought that Jude Law was attractive, but I really really like him with that mustache in the Sherlock movies. And that’s weird for me to admit because, as a rule, I don’t like mustaches.
Diana: You know, Jude Law is such a pretty man…Maybe a mustache works on him because it creates balance in his face. You know? It butches him up a little?
Me: I think I get what you’re saying. So is that one of those unbeatable combos of sexiness? A pretty face and a manly ‘stache?
Diana: (laughs) Yes, but when you say it like that you’re making it sound like a really specific celebrity photo blog: Pretty Face / Manly ‘Stache. It would be just picture after picture of pretty boys with manly facial hair.
Me: Or maybe it’s an ad from the personals section!
“Pretty Face seeking Manly ‘Stache…”
Diana: I bet the bearded lady would get really excited about that ad. “Finally!” she would say. “Now’s my chance!”
Mother is caught watching the Hallmark Channel and sniffling
Me: Are you okay?
Mom: Yes. I’m just watching the “Parent Trap” remake with Lindsay Lohan.
Me: Are you sniffling because Lindsay Lohan became a coke whore shortly after making this movie?
Me: Are you crying because it takes the twins three weeks, or nearly one fourth of the movie, to find out they’re related?
Mom: No! It’s…it’s just such a sweet movie. Look! (points to TV) See? See? She’s meeting her mother for the first time in her whole life. She’s never seen her before.
Me: Wow. I guess that is emotional…
Mom: (wails out in sadness) Ohhhhhhhh!
Mom: I just remembered…Natasha Richardson is dead.
Me: This is supposed to be a light-hearted Disney movie, NOT “Schindler’s List”! You’re supposed to be laughing and having fine family fun! You’re doing this all wrong!
Mom: I know! (thoughtful pause) Say, did you know that Dennis Quaid is a Texan?
Mom: I bet that’s why he can ride a horse…
Aaaaaaaaall righty then…
Father is listening to radio…
Dad: David! Do you know this song that they’re playing?
Me: Yeah, Dad. It’s “Someone Like You.”
Dad: Okay. Great. But who sings it?
Me: Ah- dele, Dad. ADELE.
Dad: WHAT? You’re telling me a computer sang that song?!!
Me: What do you mean? “A computer sang…”
Dad: Look, I don’t care if they used a Mac or a PC or whatever to make the song. I just want to know WHO sang the darn song! That has to be a person’s voice, right?!!!
(David stares off into the distance for a moment, slowly putting the pieces together…)
Me: NOT a DELL computer, Dad. Adele! Adele is the name of the singer.
Dad: Oh. I thought…
Me: I know, dad. Don’t worry. This is why I love you.
Dad: I love you too, son.
…and then balk at all the graphic sex scenes.
Here! Please to enjoy transcriptions of actual dialogue taken from my parents during the sex scenes of Friends With Benefits…
Dad: David? Who is this guy again? Justin Timberwolf?
Mom: What is he? Isn’t he a singer? Why is he acting now?
Dad: Honey! Look at that headboard! I think I can make something like that for the bed in the guest room.
Mom: Why did you rent this?
Dad: I thought you would think it’s funny! It’s supposed to be funny! It’s a love story.
Mom: This isn’t a love story. This is a SEX story.
Mom: Mila Kunis is so tiny, it makes her huge ears look bigger than they already are.
Me: You know guys, a lot of families would find it embarrassing to watch sexually graphic scenes together. I’m glad that we have the kind of mature relationship where we can see a movie like this, as a family, with minimal ensuing awkwardness.
(Justin Timberlake begins to perform cunnilingus on Mila Kunis)
Mom: Press fast forward. FAST FORWARD, NOW!!!
Me: (grabs remote)
Me: Weeeell, that was nice while it lasted…
- Mom: Did you hear about the studies they were doing over that new contraceptive that claimed to alleviate PMS symptoms and acne? Yaz?
- Me: Yeah! Say...this may be a dumb question, but is Yaz short for something? Like, is it the active ingredient in the pill?
- Dad: It's short for: "YAZ! Now I can have sex and not get pregnant!"
- Mom: Yeah! You'll just get blood clots instead. Ha ha!
- Me: This conversation got really dark all of a sudden and I didn't even see it coming...