"Hey I saw a review of that new movie you were talking about. "A Cinderella Story?" You know the one! It stars that girl from The Twilight Zone?Well, people say that the effects are nice but the acting is bad. I wonder if its because of the twilight girl or the older lady, Charlize Thurman or whatever. Oh, well. Maybe it’ll still be worth seeing, right?”
Father is listening to radio…
Dad: David! Do you know this song that they’re playing?
Me: Yeah, Dad. It’s “Someone Like You.”
Dad: Okay. Great. But who sings it?
Me: Ah- dele, Dad. ADELE.
Dad: WHAT? You’re telling me a computer sang that song?!!
Me: What do you mean? “A computer sang…”
Dad: Look, I don’t care if they used a Mac or a PC or whatever to make the song. I just want to know WHO sang the darn song! That has to be a person’s voice, right?!!!
(David stares off into the distance for a moment, slowly putting the pieces together…)
Me: NOT a DELL computer, Dad. Adele! Adele is the name of the singer.
Dad: Oh. I thought…
Me: I know, dad. Don’t worry. This is why I love you.
Dad: I love you too, son.
…and then balk at all the graphic sex scenes.
Here! Please to enjoy transcriptions of actual dialogue taken from my parents during the sex scenes of Friends With Benefits…
Dad: David? Who is this guy again? Justin Timberwolf?
Mom: What is he? Isn’t he a singer? Why is he acting now?
Dad: Honey! Look at that headboard! I think I can make something like that for the bed in the guest room.
Mom: Why did you rent this?
Dad: I thought you would think it’s funny! It’s supposed to be funny! It’s a love story.
Mom: This isn’t a love story. This is a SEX story.
Mom: Mila Kunis is so tiny, it makes her huge ears look bigger than they already are.
Me: You know guys, a lot of families would find it embarrassing to watch sexually graphic scenes together. I’m glad that we have the kind of mature relationship where we can see a movie like this, as a family, with minimal ensuing awkwardness.
(Justin Timberlake begins to perform cunnilingus on Mila Kunis)
Mom: Press fast forward. FAST FORWARD, NOW!!!
Me: (grabs remote)
Me: Weeeell, that was nice while it lasted…
- Mom: Did you hear about the studies they were doing over that new contraceptive that claimed to alleviate PMS symptoms and acne? Yaz?
- Me: Yeah! Say...this may be a dumb question, but is Yaz short for something? Like, is it the active ingredient in the pill?
- Dad: It's short for: "YAZ! Now I can have sex and not get pregnant!"
- Mom: Yeah! You'll just get blood clots instead. Ha ha!
- Me: This conversation got really dark all of a sudden and I didn't even see it coming...