When I tell my mom about how awesome “Breaking Bad is,” I get pummeled with skepticism and resistance. “A high school teacher becomes a drug dealer because he has CANCER?! What a dark thing to watch! Why are you watching that” she asks.
BUT when NPR talks about how awesome “Breaking Bad” is, my mother can’t find the remote control fast enough! “What channel is it on? How many seasons have I missed?” she asks me.
“A prophet is not without honor, save in his own country.”
Me: Did you hear what David Letterman said about Bill Clinton?
Mom: No! What did he say?
Me: That Bill Clinton will be in Charlotte tonight. And he’ll also be at the convention!
Mom: Yeah. He’s supposed to be speaking tonight.
Me: No. No. He said he would BE IN Charlotte tonight. AND he’ll also be at the convention. *Cymbal Crash*
Mom: ….I don’t get it.
Me: Mom, put your mind in the gutter! He’ll be IN CHARLOTTE TONIGHT…AND he’ll also be at the Democratic National Convention.
Mom:
Me: Jesus! He said that BILL CLINTON
WILL BE IN CHARLOTTE TONIGHT…
(proceeds to hump the air using thrust movements)
Mom: Oh! (covers her face) Stop it!! I get it already!
Me: Sorry! Sorry! I was running out of breadcrumbs for you to follow.
Mom: WHAT? We’re out of breadcrumbs?!!
Me: METAPHORICAL breadcrumbs, mother!
Mom: Oh. Well, I figured that was the case, but I wanted to be certain. I was going to ask your father to stop by the grocery store if we were out of REAL breadcrumbs.
Me: …..
Mother is caught watching the Hallmark Channel and sniffling
Me: Are you okay?
Mom: Yes. I’m just watching the “Parent Trap” remake with Lindsay Lohan.
Me: Are you sniffling because Lindsay Lohan became a coke whore shortly after making this movie?
Mom: No!
Me: Are you crying because it takes the twins three weeks, or nearly one fourth of the movie, to find out they’re related?
Mom: No! It’s…it’s just such a sweet movie. Look! (points to TV) See? See? She’s meeting her mother for the first time in her whole life. She’s never seen her before.
Me: Wow. I guess that is emotional…
Mom: (wails out in sadness) Ohhhhhhhh!
Me: What!?
Mom: I just remembered…Natasha Richardson is dead.
Me: ….
Me: This is supposed to be a light-hearted Disney movie, NOT “Schindler’s List”! You’re supposed to be laughing and having fine family fun! You’re doing this all wrong!
Mom: I know! (thoughtful pause) Say, did you know that Dennis Quaid is a Texan?
Me:…
Mom: I bet that’s why he can ride a horse…
Me: 
Aaaaaaaaall righty then…
…and then balk at all the graphic sex scenes.
Here! Please to enjoy transcriptions of actual dialogue taken from my parents during the sex scenes of Friends With Benefits…
Dad: David? Who is this guy again? Justin Timberwolf?
Mom: What is he? Isn’t he a singer? Why is he acting now?
***
Dad: Honey! Look at that headboard! I think I can make something like that for the bed in the guest room.
***
Mom: Why did you rent this?
Dad: I thought you would think it’s funny! It’s supposed to be funny! It’s a love story.
Mom: This isn’t a love story. This is a SEX story.
***
Mom: Mila Kunis is so tiny, it makes her huge ears look bigger than they already are.
***
Me: You know guys, a lot of families would find it embarrassing to watch sexually graphic scenes together. I’m glad that we have the kind of mature relationship where we can see a movie like this, as a family, with minimal ensuing awkwardness.
(Justin Timberlake begins to perform cunnilingus on Mila Kunis)
Dad: (snickers)
Mom: Press fast forward. FAST FORWARD, NOW!!!
Me: (grabs remote)
Me: Weeeell, that was nice while it lasted…
She loved it!
Additionally, I can say, with great pride, that she laughed most heartily at Jayne (see below) and his antics. She also thinks Kaylee (see above) is adorable. These are my exact sentiments so it is with great bias that I say that she has fantastic taste.
She asked if the creator of Firefly has “done anything else.”
Me -“Uh, yeah mom. Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”
Mom - “Oh! That show you always talk about? That’s the same guy?”
Me - “Yeah, mom. It’s Joss-freakin-Whedon.”
Mom - “Huh! Maybe I should give that show a try too.”
Me - (reaction below)
I never thought I would ever hear those words come out of her mouth…
I will make a Whedonite out of her yet!
Today, my mother asked me if we could, somehow at some time, watch Joss Whedon’s Sci-Fi masterpiece television series, Firefly.
Beautiful woman who gave me life? Of course we can.
Then I ran to my room, like a madman, to dig through my movies and find my copy of the blu-ray edition of the series. When I came back my mom was all, like:
Mother- “Oh, well, geez. Not NOW, David. Right now I’m watching Love’s Enduring Promise on the Hallmark Channel.
I meant later. Much later.”
Me - Oh. Okay….
Truth be told, the x-factor for my mother was her love of Nathan Fillion. She’s a big Castle fan and once told me that she wanted to see him in more stuff. That’s fine. No problem. I can wait. You know what…
Mother: (anxiously) David!
David: Yes?!
Mother: Is Will Ferrell dead?
David: WHAT?!!
Mother: Will Ferrell, from Saturday Night Live. Is he DEAD?
David: I-I don’t know. I haven’t heard anything. Hold on. Let me check my computer…What did you hear?
Mother: I heard something on the radio about a man from Saturday Night Live. He did impersonations and I thought he was dead.
David: Wait..what?! You heard he was dead or you thought he was dead?
Mother: Well, wasn’t there a famous comedian from Saturday Night Live who died?
David: (suppresses groan) There are a lot of people from Saturday Night Live who are dead. (double checks computer) And one of them is NOT Will Ferrell. He’s still kicking.
Mother: But what about…what was his name? John Belushi?
David: (flabbergasted) John Belushi has been dead for a while now…
Mother: No wait, not John Belushi. He had a brother. What about his brother?
David: Like Will Ferrell, Jim Belushi is ALSO not dead.
Mother: Well, I’m SORRY. I know you like Saturday Night Live and I thought you would know if anybody had died recently. NPR was going to do an interview with Will Ferrell and I thought he was dead. Didn’t you say that he also did the voices of those cartoons you like to watch? The Simpsons?
David: (exhausted sigh of realization) Mother? Are you thinking about Phil Hartman?
Mother: (GASP) Yes! YES! That’s it! Phil Hartman. He’s the one who’s dead, isn’t he?
David: Yeah, he has been. For a while now.
Mother: How did he die? Was it drugs? Did he overdose? So many of them go that way…
David: I-I don’t know.
Mother: Why is it always the funny people who have such tragic deaths?
David: I DON’T KNOW!
Mother: Well for goodness sake, I was just curious! I’m sitting here, by myself, eating lunch in my car and trying NOT to think about work, so I called you to ask about William Ferrell. That’s all I wanted!
David: (gentle chuckle of defeat) Mother? You can call me anytime you like to ask about anything you want, especially during your lunching hour.
Mother: Lunching hour? HA! You are hilarious! Did you make that up yourself? You say the funniest things sometimes…
Announcement: My mom has a new celebrity crush: James McAvoy.
She was hiding her interest pretty well, until a benign disagreement over what to watch on TV after dinner almost devolved into fisticuffs. I desperately wanted to see the season premiere of Community and she was adamant about watching Becoming Jane.
Mom - Have you ever heard of the author Jane Austen?
Me - (eyeroll) Yes mother, I’m familiar with Jane Austen (Blogger’s note: FYI, I’m a f*cking English major, damn it.)
Mom - Well I want to watch this movie about her. I heard Anne Hathaway is in it and I only caught a few minutes of it once, but it looks very interesting.
Me - It also stars Professor X.
Mom - Who?
Me - James McAvoy? The guy who played Charles Xavier in X-Men First Class?
Mom - (blank stare)
Me - Remember? He’s the guy who was telepathic?
Mom - (blank stare)
Me - His friend was the Holocaust survivor who could bend metal with his mind?
Mom - (Squints eyes. Shrugs shoulders.)
Me - Jesus Christ! (changes channel to Becoming Jane)
(A wild James McAvoy appeared!)
Mom - Oh! Oh! It’s him! It’s him! I can never remember his name! (pauses and stares lovingly at the TV) I don’t know why but…I like him very much.
***
He’s handsome, Scottish, and charming. What’s not to like?
Plus, did you check out that lip-biting action at the top? Growl!
ohcanedo asked: haha i just read your post about your mom and adam levine and rick bayless and rocco dispirito. i have so much in common with her! lol. though i just tweeted rocco and he answered me and im all giddy and giggly...
It’s so exciting that he answered your tweet!!! What did you ask him?
Yeah, my mom doesn’t ever express any interest in meeting any celebrities, much less having lunch with one, so when she gushed so openly about Adam Levine I thought to myself: This. Is. Blog-Worthy.
It’s kind of hilarious. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten so many messages about a single post before. My mom is certainly destined to be the next reality TV star. Adam better be quick about taking her up on that lunch date, or else he’s going to miss the bus.
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If I could be the devil, you could be the sinner.
long time no draw
Gems! Pull your weapons!
James Dean photographed by Sanford Roth in Roth’s home.
