- Man 1: But I'm not gay!
- Man 2: Yeah, but if you WERE. Thor or Loki?
- Man 1: but I'm not!
- Man 2: IRRELEVANT! THOR OR LOKI!
- Man 1: honestly?
- Man 2: THOR OR LOKI!
- Man 1: probably Iron Man.
- Man 2: SERIOUSLY? TONY STARK?
- Man 1: yeah. I'd love to be Robert Downey Jr's bitch. God, that man....
- Man 2: ooh I know what you mean. how would he proceed?
- Man 1: well we'd be having dinner and he'd have his hand on my leg and he'd whisper in my ear and tell me exactly what he was going to do to me.
- Man 2: oh yeah..
- Man 1: and then his hand'd go further to the top of my leg and start grasping my-
- Random Woman: EXCUSE ME THERE ARE CHILDREN ON THIS TRAIN.
- *awkward silence*
- Man 2: ...and you said you werent gay!
The Dalton Gay-cademy Warblers kicked off this episode with their own rendition of “Misery” by Maroon 5. You know it better as that catchy song that was nominated for a Grammy, but lost to frickin’ Train.
Anyways, it doesn’t matter because the whole ordeal was just a setup to demonstrate what we’ve all known since the “Never Been Kissed” episode. Specifically that Blaine is the Diana Ross of the Warblers.
Kurt finally wants a piece of the solo pie, so he criticizes Blaine for hogging the spotlight and complains that he’s always having to sing back up. Um, not to rag on Kurt unnecessarily, but didn’t he JUST DO a duet with Blaine for “Animal” like, in our last episode? Gawd. I don’t know why he’s worried. It’s not like anyone else from Dalton ever sings lead.
Whatevs… Just cut to Mckinley High.
Rachel is STILL trying to sell her original music compositions to Finn, but the result is weak, weak sauce. This episode’s auditory abortion? “Only Child,” a song that expresses Rachel’s pain regarding her lack of siblings.
At first I thought this song was completely out of character for her, but now I realize that what Rachel probably always wanted as a child was a younger kid to play the role of captive audience member for her Deev-a-thons.
Finn provides invaluable feedback:
It’s better than “My Headband” that’s for sure…
Meanwhile, back at Dalton Manor, Pavarotti, the Warbler’s feathered mascot, buys the farm. This provides Kurt with a golden opportunity to Elton John himself a fabulous dirge to honor their dead, dead bird.
Personally, if I didn’t know Kurt better, I would think that he killed that bird on purpose just so he could get an impromptu Regionals audition via his cover of “Blackbird” by the Beatles.
Um. It’s nice song, really…it’s just that, well, there are a lot of awesome bird-related songs out there that were available for the picking.
So, I guess only one question remains:
If Pavarotti is a canary, then why did you sing “Blackbird?”
Don’t sweat the details. All you need to know is that Blaine eye f*cked Kurt for most of the song and then, quite visibly, fell in love with him. Afterwards, he asked the Warbler High Council for permission to do a duet with Kurt at Regionals. The council gave him no resistance, although, they did say that he could not take on a Padawan Learner until the Clone Wars were finally resolved. Also…fear»anger»hate»suffering. FYI.
Back at McKinley, a legal problem with My Chemical Romance forced us Glee kids to begin work on original compositions. Naturally, all of our selections were far too specific or, to be perfectly blunt, STUPID to be competition worthy.
I sang “Trouty Mouth”, which is sort of like a modern, sexualized version of “My Funny Valentine” except that it directly attacks Sam’s physical appearance.
Specifically his big ass lips.
SPEAKING of big ass-ness, Puck wrote a song for Lauren to “make up” for singing “Fat-Bottomed Girls” to her. How Puck EVER got the impression that song was unflattering (or inaccurate) is beyond me, but kudos to him for taking responsability and trying to rectify the situation.
The new song title?
“Big-Ass Heart,” a tune which doesn’t really seem to be change direction from the original, if you ask me. I mean, some inference is needed but he’s still obviously alluding to Lauren and her “generous portions,” if you catch my drift.
Regardless of the lack of sensitivity put forth, Lauren still appreciated it.
Mercedes contributed to the song-a-thon via her own original composition: “Hell to the No.” While very empowering, the song also seemed to endorse bad medical advice as it promoted unhealthy eating habits and shrugged off a doctor’s diagnosis of diabetes.
Um, isn’t that a little more negligent than empowering?
The more they try to add sassy dimension to Mercedes’ character, the more they reduce her to foodisms. Remember the tater tots episode?
We have Lauren Zizes available for the big girl storylines now, Ryan Murphy! You can move on and try To develop Wheezy’s character in another goddamn direction already!
So…..with no other alternatives, what are we left with?
Just kidding! With some clunky exposition from Tina and Finn, we finally began to assemble the skeleton of what would soon become our kick ass Regionals song.
Meanwhile, Quinn and Rachel, our other “writers”, weren’t busy composing music as much as they were having a lady fight over property rights to Finn.
Quinn pretended to be Rachel’s friend in order to quash her hopes of ever getting back together with Finnster. Rachel tried to fight back by pointing out the validity of their relationship, but then Quinn pulled out her claws:
Can I just say that I popped major girl-stiffy watching the official return of Bitchy Quinn? It’s been a long time, but we sure are happy to have you back!
I mean, Rachel isn’t happy, but what else is new?
It’s still cool though, because Quinn’s devastating monologue sent Berry running home crying to her notebook. Pain = Art, and that verbal stun gun to the face was just what she needed to finally write a killer song that WASN’T about a goddamn headband.
Brava, Berry. Brava.
Back at Gaywarts, Blaine and Kurt finally have the Klaine moment that all the shippers were waiting for all season long.
And I’m sorry to say that, although it made me very happy to see the boy-on-boy lip lock, it also made me a little jealous. Me and Brit Brit have NOT been seeing eye to eye lately, and Sam certainly doesn’t seem content to play my beard for much longer. Tick tock, peeps. Tick tock.
So anyways, competition day comes and Rachel totally kills it! I mean, her emotional life is still in ruins, but it really made for some great method acting for her Regionals performance.
Bitch ain’t never going to “get it right,” but you know what? That just makes it more relate-able.
After her wah-wah song, we all sang a kick ass song about how great it is to be kick ass by being a loser.
And then we nominated her MVB (Most Valuable Bee-yotch).
Good times ;)
See you at Nationals, bitches. *Muah!*
And that’s what you missed…on GLEE!