When I tell my mom about how awesome “Breaking Bad is,” I get pummeled with skepticism and resistance. “A high school teacher becomes a drug dealer because he has CANCER?! What a dark thing to watch! Why are you watching that” she asks.
BUT when NPR talks about how awesome “Breaking Bad” is, my mother can’t find the remote control fast enough! “What channel is it on? How many seasons have I missed?” she asks me.
“A prophet is not without honor, save in his own country.”
Me: Did you hear what David Letterman said about Bill Clinton?
Mom: No! What did he say?
Me: That Bill Clinton will be in Charlotte tonight. And he’ll also be at the convention!
Mom: Yeah. He’s supposed to be speaking tonight.
Me: No. No. He said he would BE IN Charlotte tonight. AND he’ll also be at the convention. *Cymbal Crash*
Mom: ….I don’t get it.
Me: Mom, put your mind in the gutter! He’ll be IN CHARLOTTE TONIGHT…AND he’ll also be at the Democratic National Convention.
Me: Jesus! He said that BILL CLINTON
WILL BE IN CHARLOTTE TONIGHT…
(proceeds to hump the air using thrust movements)
Mom: Oh! (covers her face) Stop it!! I get it already!
Me: Sorry! Sorry! I was running out of breadcrumbs for you to follow.
Mom: WHAT? We’re out of breadcrumbs?!!
Me: METAPHORICAL breadcrumbs, mother!
Mom: Oh. Well, I figured that was the case, but I wanted to be certain. I was going to ask your father to stop by the grocery store if we were out of REAL breadcrumbs.
Me: (Turns corner. Spots dad sitting on sofa.)
Dad: (Looks up to see son staring at him.)
Dad: Hey! What’s going on-
Me: There’s a storm coming, Mr. Wayne.
Me: You and your friends better batten down the hatches…
Me: Because when it hits…
Dad: (to Mom) HONEY! He’s doing it again!
Dad: That Dark Knight Catwoman speech-thing!
Me: You’re all gonna wonder how you ever thought you could live so large
and leave so little for the rest of us.
Dad: Ya done, now?
No. I’m not done…
(runs out of room pumping fists in triumph)
Mother is caught watching the Hallmark Channel and sniffling
Me: Are you okay?
Mom: Yes. I’m just watching the “Parent Trap” remake with Lindsay Lohan.
Me: Are you sniffling because Lindsay Lohan became a coke whore shortly after making this movie?
Me: Are you crying because it takes the twins three weeks, or nearly one fourth of the movie, to find out they’re related?
Mom: No! It’s…it’s just such a sweet movie. Look! (points to TV) See? See? She’s meeting her mother for the first time in her whole life. She’s never seen her before.
Me: Wow. I guess that is emotional…
Mom: (wails out in sadness) Ohhhhhhhh!
Mom: I just remembered…Natasha Richardson is dead.
Me: This is supposed to be a light-hearted Disney movie, NOT “Schindler’s List”! You’re supposed to be laughing and having fine family fun! You’re doing this all wrong!
Mom: I know! (thoughtful pause) Say, did you know that Dennis Quaid is a Texan?
Mom: I bet that’s why he can ride a horse…
Aaaaaaaaall righty then…
…and then balk at all the graphic sex scenes.
Here! Please to enjoy transcriptions of actual dialogue taken from my parents during the sex scenes of Friends With Benefits…
Dad: David? Who is this guy again? Justin Timberwolf?
Mom: What is he? Isn’t he a singer? Why is he acting now?
Dad: Honey! Look at that headboard! I think I can make something like that for the bed in the guest room.
Mom: Why did you rent this?
Dad: I thought you would think it’s funny! It’s supposed to be funny! It’s a love story.
Mom: This isn’t a love story. This is a SEX story.
Mom: Mila Kunis is so tiny, it makes her huge ears look bigger than they already are.
Me: You know guys, a lot of families would find it embarrassing to watch sexually graphic scenes together. I’m glad that we have the kind of mature relationship where we can see a movie like this, as a family, with minimal ensuing awkwardness.
(Justin Timberlake begins to perform cunnilingus on Mila Kunis)
Mom: Press fast forward. FAST FORWARD, NOW!!!
Me: (grabs remote)
Me: Weeeell, that was nice while it lasted…
My dad has been stoping by the side of the road every weekend to buy three or four cantaloupes and two watermelons from the local “farmers markets” (people selling fruit in the trunk of their cars). Then he comes home, cuts them all up, and promptly stuffs the mutilated pieces into the refrigerator like some sort of produce section Jeffery Dahmer.
It was nice at first, but now, every time I open the fridge it smells like a continental breakfast sampler from The Holiday Inn…which I don’t enjoy at all because it reminds me of the smell of maple syrup, which makes my entire body feel sticky just by the power of association.
And yes. Yes, I am that neurotic.
Damn. I feel like such a bastard complaining about cantaloupe. It’s such a first world problem:
“Omigod! Why does there always have to be fresh fruit gracing me with a pleasant aroma every time I open my giant food dispenser/preservation unit?!!!! Nourishing myself can be such a drag sometimes….”
I’m also not entirely happy with my casual reference to Jeffery Dahmer. It was a a little forced, a little dark…But geez. If Ke$ha can do it, why can’t I?
ohcanedo asked: haha i just read your post about your mom and adam levine and rick bayless and rocco dispirito. i have so much in common with her! lol. though i just tweeted rocco and he answered me and im all giddy and giggly...
It’s so exciting that he answered your tweet!!! What did you ask him?
Yeah, my mom doesn’t ever express any interest in meeting any celebrities, much less having lunch with one, so when she gushed so openly about Adam Levine I thought to myself: This. Is. Blog-Worthy.
It’s kind of hilarious. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten so many messages about a single post before. My mom is certainly destined to be the next reality TV star. Adam better be quick about taking her up on that lunch date, or else he’s going to miss the bus.
abundleofletters asked: Sooo, me and my mother were just looking up pictures of Adam Levine (because she has a crush on him), and we found your post on your convo with your mom....
Couldn't stop laughing, you made our night!!!
Thank you so much!!!!!!! I’m glad you and your mom enjoyed the post. Maybe our mothers should start some sort of club, eh?
I don’t know if Adam will come through with the lunch plans, but the convo was certainly worth blogging if it meant I got to make a cool, new Tumblr buddy in the process <3 Hugs!